Wednesday, December 30, 2009 Posted by Shattered Paradigm
By Bryan Ayers
Problems in marriage often get worse as both spouses begin to react to them. One gets hurt over an action and reacts in a self protective way. The other spouse reacts to the first spouse, and then the game is on to see who will give in first. If you can get your eyes off of reacting and onto working toward the positive purpose of overcoming the issue, then you and your spouse will be able to be victorious and gain unity.
Make the issue the threat to overcome. If you make your spouse the threat, you'll never gain unity. Making the issue the target helps you to keep focus on it. Don't worry too much about blame. Ultimately, someone is going to have to adjust, that's obvious; but if you both look seriously at the results of your current actions and reactions the real problem will surface. As the real issue comes to light, it will make it easier for someone to take responsibility for the adjustment.
You are looking at the positive purpose when you begin to envision your marriage without the current problem. When the solution is your goal and your efforts are pushing towards it, you will be going the right direction. Usually the bickering is over the reactions to the problem. Cut down the bickering by realizing that your spouse is not the enemy, the problem is.
Make the positive outcome your goal. After you have together realized that you want to reach the goal of overcoming your problem, then it's time to get to work. You start by writing down the issue on paper, and then list solutions. It can actually be a fun process if you let it. Just brainstorm together on several answers to the problem in front of you. As you do this the best solutions will begin to surface and you both will see where the adjustment needs to be.
Criticizing and always pointing fingers gets you nowhere and I realize that not all situations are simple. Not all spouses are even willing to do this in the first place. For the most part though, if one spouse can be the example of desire toward overcoming and a positive attitude, you'll be able to keep on track.
Now, I invite you to try out some tools for communicating through problems in your Christian marriage in my free e-book called, "Realignment For Your Christian Marriage."
Get my free e-book by going to- http://realignment.thefamilyandhome.com/.
By Bryan Ayers - husband, father, marriage teacher, pastor, friend.
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