Tips For Finding An Anniversary Gift

Although your wedding anniversary is an exciting and important thing to celebrate, it can often be hard to know what to buy your spouse for an anniversary gift. You want to give your spouse something that means a lot, but factors such as money, time, and children must all be taken into consideration as well. If you are having a hard time finding an anniversary gift for your spouse, the following tips can help.

Pay Close Attention to Your Spouse’s Likes and Interests

The best way to get ideas for an anniversary gift for your spouse is to pay close attention to their likes and interests. This will allow you to get a variety of ideas so you are prepared when you set out to find the perfect gift. If your wife loves going to the movies or out to dinner at a certain restaurant, make note of this. If your husband loves golfing or going to baseball games, make it a point to remember this as well. If you and your spouse share a particular interest or have been talking about going somewhere specific together, your anniversary is the perfect time to put the plan into action. If money is tight, a card and a nice evening at home with your spouse may be all it takes to celebrate your anniversary. Since every couple is different, the anniversary gift you choose for your spouse may vary greatly from what your friend gets for his or her spouse. Keep in mind that this is absolutely fine, and your love is not always defined by what you can or cannot buy.

Ask Family and Friends for Ideas

If you are having trouble finding an anniversary gift for your spouse, take the time to ask his or her family for ideas and suggestions. Friends and family often know your spouse better than anyone else, so they can be a great source of help. In some instances, they may be able to provide you with ideas that you never even thought of. This is because your spouse may not discuss every little thing they want with you. If you ask friends or family for ideas, you may be able to come up with the perfect gift that will surprise and delight your spouse beyond words.

Plan Together

Since finding the perfect anniversary gift for your spouse is not always easy, you can always resort to planning something together. Sit down with your spouse and hash out a plan for something romantic or adventurous. If money or time is an issue, a weekend camping getaway is an inexpensive, fun idea that may give you and your spouse the perfect amount of alone time. Planning your anniversary celebration together may be just as fun as finding that perfect gift on your own.

Now that you know some tips for finding an anniversary gift for your spouse, you should be able to come up with the perfect idea. Just remember that money does not particularly matter and it is always the thought that counts.

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The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks by Beth Strong, MA, LPC

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.



Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.



Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.

The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them



Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear



If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.



But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.



Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic



Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:



- love will conquer all

- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly

- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them

- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed

- for a better life

- that everyone will get along

- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”

- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all

- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”

- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family



Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.



Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears



Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.



- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.



- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse



- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.



- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.



- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.



- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.



- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.



- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.



Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention



There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.



It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.



It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.





Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome



No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.



The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?



The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.



If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.



The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.



The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!



From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance



There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.



Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.



Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle



Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.



Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?



A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.



Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.



It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.



Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For



Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.



However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?



1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.



2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.



3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.



4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.



5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.



6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.



7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.



Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!



If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.



So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.



Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.



Beth Strong, MA, LPC

April 2008





Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.



Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.



Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.



The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.





Therapist Contact Info:



Beth Strong, MA, LPC

303-322-4224


Beth Strong, MA, LPC
www.bethstrong.com
303-322-4224

For more articles like this one, go to http://www.therapylinx.com/


Article Source: The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

How To Have A Long Blissful Marriage

How To Have a Long Blissful Marriage


by Gabriella Gometra

Originally published on SearchWarp.com for Gabriella Gometra Monday, December 28, 2009

Article Source: How To Have a Long Blissful Marriage

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Marriage Therapy to Heal Your Family

Marriage Therapy to Heal Your Family

Author: Linda Cooper

In a perfect world marriage therapy to repair your family's relationships would be redundant.  Everyone would get along and everyone who became engaged and married would stay together forever out of love and happiness. However, as anyone will tell you, this is far from being a perfect world and divorce is happening at a larger rate with each passing decade.

This does not mean that society is breaking down and the family unit is no longer functioning, far from it. What is happening is that our busy lives are starting to take over our marriages.

The days of working nine to five and being home with the family are long gone. Now, couples both work nine to five, and then go home and work some more. In some cases they are transporting the kids to and from extracurricular activities.

All this creates a distance between husband and wife because they rarely see each other. In fact, they see their co-workers more than they see each other and that is where the marriage fragmentation begins.

When this happens, it may be time to take a look at marriage therapy or even engage a marriage therapist who can come in and look at the state of your family and your marriage and offer solutions to make things work. This professional is a marriage therapist or marriage and family therapist. Their job is to resolve the problems in your home and help everyone get together and function properly as a family unit.

Many husbands and wives will try and avoid the marriage therapy route because they feel that marriage therapy is something done by people with severe problems. They do not see their own problems as severe and the desire to 'fix things ourselves' is often very strong. However, this is the wrong way to look at it.

When your car is not working right, it means that one part is not working as well as it should. That one part problem then creates a multitude of other problems down the line. Do you fix it yourself? Unless you are a mechanic, you most likely do not. You hire someone to come and fix your vehicle for you because you want it done right.

A marriage and family therapist is a mechanic for the problems with your marriage. Somewhere in the framework of the marriage there is a problem. Hence, there is a need to fix that problem with repair work. You do not want an amateur doing this.

You want a professional working at helping making your family whole again. You want a licensed marriage family therapist who can fix your marriage.

Psychologists, psychotherapist, marriage counselors and marriage therapists all do the same thing, just under different names. They offer you relationship advice in one form or another to help your family therapy work. They not only work with you, but with your spouse, your children, your friends and extended family. They work with everyone so that everyone can work together to make sure that your marriage works. Do you think your parents want to see the marriage fail?

Does your best friend want you to split up with your spouse? Unlikely. Therefore it is important for the licensed marriage family therapist to work with everyone in one form or another to fix your marriage.

However, it is not enough to simply hire a marriage counselor to come and repair your marriage. The two most important people in the marriage; you and your spouse, need to be completely on board with the marriage therapy.

If you are not, or your spouse is not, then the marriage counseling will suffer significantly. Instead of being able to work through your problems, your marriage counselor will struggle with being able to work through your own roadblocks. This is the easiest way to keep marriage resolution success from happening.

Family counselors and marriage counselors work for the sole purpose of making families work. They want families to work because they have chosen to do something good with their lives by helping people. They want to see you ten years from now, still with your spouse, and completely in love and over any problems that may have existed previously.

It is important to understand that it is highly unlikely that you will come across a problem in your marriage that marriage therapy cannot repair. Everything can be fixed and it all comes down to how willing you and your spouse are to make things work together.

As was stated earlier, marriage does not always follow a rosy path. As a result, it will be necessary on occasion to seek marriage therapy, counseling or marriage family therapy from professionals such as a psychotherapist, a psychologist or a relationship advice specialist who will be able to help you and your spouse work through he problems that exist.

There are no problems they cannot handle, except those problems you refuse to work through.

About the Author:

If you are looking to find a Marriage Therapy -Counseling Therapists Directory or a Marriage Therapist then click on either of the links above, enter your zip code and then a list of professionals will be displayed.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Marriage Therapy to Heal Your Family

Should Married Couples Argue? Marriage Help: Are Your Arguments Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage?

Marriage Help: Are Your Arguments Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage?

By: Dr. Richard Nicastro

Q: "I need some marriage advice. Is arguing bad for a marriage? My husband says it's healthy to argue from time to time but I try to avoid marital conflict at all costs. Can you shed some light on this for us?"

Article Source

What Makes Christian Marriages Different? A Christian Marriage: Woven To Last

A Christian Marriage: Woven to Last

By Dave Pipitone


A Christian marriage is woven to last. Have you ever tried to snap a woven rope into two with your bare hands? If the braid is made out of flimsy threads, the "rope" is pretty easy to break. If the braid is made of thick and sturdy cords, it may be possible if there is only one or two cords. Add a third cord and it is nearly impossible without cutting your flesh or breaking a bone.

A Christian marriage is like that strong rope -- if you have three strong cords in place that are tightly connected. When a married couple takes Christian wedding vows, they celebrate a special bond of love, hope and faith between a man, a woman and God. Married couples take vows at their wedding to be faithful to each other and to God throughout their entire lives. As social science research shows, when husband and wife attend church together, marriages last longer.

There are many encouraging words about marriage in the Christian Bible. The words of Jesus, the writings of St. Paul and the other books of the New Testament offer a model for a joyful, permanent marriage. For example. In the Gospel of John, the first act of Jesus' ministry was at a wedding. He transformed a bountiful amount of water into wine at Cana. Jesus challenged his society to avoid divorce by making marriage a solemn covenant between husband and wife.

You can have a loving, lasting relationship with your spouse. If you are engaged and preparing for marriage, you can lay a foundation that will last for your entire life. Weave your rope of three cords with faith, hope and love that will bring the blessings of marriage to you, your family and everyone who witnesses your marriage.

The first cord of your marriage is faith. You express faith in your marriage, faith in each other, and faith in God's presence. Faith is the basis for a lasting and happy marriage. You show and live your faith by the way you relate to your spouse. As you grow closer in a Christian marriage relationship with your spouse and with God, you build belief in each other as a married couple.

Christian pastors and marriage counselors concur that marriage is all relationship. Being in a relationship means sharing. Tell your spouse your personal feelings and thoughts in person or in writing. Pray alone; pray together. As individuals, both husband and wife have personal relationships with Jesus Christ. And, as a couple, you and your spouse live out Christian marriage goals by praying together.

The second cord of marriage is hope. Hope is the expectation that what you don't see now, you will experience and realize one day. Hope builds upon faith and has confidence that "with God all things are possible."

In contemporary American society, the divorce rate for first marriages is 55%. It is an act of hope to imagine a Christian marriage relationship lasting throughout your entire life. You can draw upon the practice of hope to keep your Christian marriage vows. Do this by drawing power from God to strengthen your relationship.

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul wrote, "Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine, by the power at work within us..." Jesus gives you the power to have a lasting marriage of love, joy, goodness, peace, services and happiness. Be confident that Jesus is risen and present to you and your spouse as a third partner.

Do you know what the third cord of marriage? If you say love, you are right. Love is the ultimate sign of a healthy, lifelong marriage. A marriage relationship is the highest calling of the teaching of Christ on love. Consider the words from Chapter Thirteen from St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. "Love is patient and kind... Love rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things. Love never fails."

Love is the work of faith--believing in all things. Love flowers from hope by enduring and persevering all things. Love is the power of God in your marriage relationship that brings joy, peace, security and happiness.

Make your married life an example of the love that Christ has for the Church. Be a witness to your spouse, your family, your church, and society. In your Christian marriage, you and your spouse are the light of the world to those desiring more meaning, love, faith, hope and in their lives.



Dave Pipitone is a professional communicator, spiritual entrepreneur, dedicated husband and father. For more information on resources to build a Christian marriage, visit http://www.my3strands.com.


Article Source: Artipot

Don't Give Up On Your Marriage - 3 Things to Try Before You Check Out of Your Marriage

Save a Marriage - 3 Things to Try Before You Check Out of Your Marriage

By Robert Deveau

You wake up one morning feeling that you are in this marriage all alone. Your spouse is still there in the house. You still see each other in passing as you get ready for work, or as you get ready for bed. But it is as if you are two strangers living together. The conversation between you and your marriage partner has come down to grunting. One grunt for yes, two grunts for no. You grunt because you are afraid anything more will start a conversation. Yes, you are so past the argument stage! The last thing you want to do is talk to your partner. You are simply existing together. Neither of you know if you even want to stay in this relationship but, you do not want a divorce either.

Do not give up just yet! There are some things that you can do to turn this relationship back around. At first, it may seem as if you are the only one trying, you may very well be. Keep trying. Your marriage did not fall apart overnight, it will not mend overnight. Take steps now to get your marriage on the road to recovery.

1. Start conversing again. This may be a very scary concept, but the grunting must stop. Begin with ‘good morning’ and a smile, then work your way through the rest of the grunts, eliminating them one at a time. Before long, you will be saying, ‘Good morning, did you sleep well?" Who knows, you may even get a , “Yes, thank you," for your efforts. The point is, go out of your way to make your conversation pleasant toward your spouse.

2. Remember you and your spouse are still on the same team. When issues arise that affect your spouse at work or within the family, give them your support. Make sure they know you stand with them by your words and your actions.

3. You both deserve to be happy. Think about things that used to make you and your spouse smile or laugh together. Take a walk together, go to a movie or watch one at home and sit close together, take a drive through the country side.

Your actions may seem one sided at first, but when your spouse realizes that you are trying to improve the relationship, they may just jump on board, too.

Learn 4 practical step-by-step exercises to save your marriage.

Also, the secrets of a loving and fulfilling relationship with your spouse.

How much time do you have left anyway, some things cannot be left to chance.

Article Directory: ArticleSlash.net

Marriage Communication Tips: Speaking Your Way To A Blissful Marriage

Speaking Your Way to a Blissful Marriage

Author: Jessica Reis

There are several words that could help improve your married life and make it a blissful one. Some of them are "may I help", "I am sorry" or the commonly used phrase, "I love you". There are other words to show you care and truly love the one you are with and perhaps the two most important words/phrases are shown below.

Children have been thought to speak kind words to each other as they grow up. Simple words, as they are taught, make what you say better and more personal. This is a lesson most married couples should believe and practice. These words help them getwhat they want without being too demanding and leave the one helping with a feeling of success.

Please - Still the Magical Magic Word

Please pass the rice. Please pick me up after school. Can I ride your bike please? The word "please" has been one of the truly magical words in the English language. It can turn a very thoughtless and rude order/command into a kind and polite request. It can turn what might be an altercation into a kind exchange of words. This simple word has the ability to make someone happy while helping you.

"Please" causes the person being requested to something to view the request not as a "command" but as something that needs his/her special attention and most people love the feeling of helping or and feeling that you are being asking for their help.This is important since every request is happily acknowledged and happily done. It is also important since you give the person an option to accept your request or deny it. It gives people more freedom and because they're happy with freedom, they tendto give in to whoever requested the help.

Parents try to instill this magical word in their children's vocabulary as soon as they learn how to speak. Children usually have a lot of things they can't do and usually ask for help from their elders. Imagine how it would sound without the word "please" and you'll find yourself shuddering at the thought of children ordering adults around. "Please" from a child usually makes older people happy to comply because the child is polite.

This is the same for married couples too. A simple "please" from your husband or wife is always better than a request without it.This simple word causes a lot of spats/fights to cease and will generally let your requests be granted by your partner. Thank You for saying "Thank You" As a child, most of us have been taught to thank everyone for their help. Whether it is a simple job like asking for a glass of water or a complicated one like asking for help with homework, the word "thank you" is uttered by a child's lips.

As adults, people tend to love children who know how to thank them and it always pleases them to help the children again the next time they need help. As children grow into adults, most people tend to forget what they have learned from their childhood. They ask for help, and whether the help was willingly or unwillingly given, no word of thanks can be heard. This can be a little disappointing for those who work not for money but for the sake of helping. As a part of a married couple, you have the ability to make work lighter. Once you see how hard your husband/wife labored to cook your dinner, just mutter a simple "thank you" while eating and all of his/her fatigue will disappear and he or she will be smiling the rest of the time you are eating. Those two words arep riceless and what they can do for someone else's spirits is astounding.

It is a simple thing to say these two words/phrases and it is probably the reason why most people tend to forget to say them. A simple "please" and a simple "thank you" can give your married life a boost and you will be surprised what it can for your marriage. There are probably other words but these two words/phrases are the two most important ones in marriage and everyday life.

About the author: Saving a marriage is all about getting the things right in the firstplace. If your marriage started on the wrong foot, CLICK HERE to learn how you can bring your marriage back on track with a free mini e-course.

Do You Need Some Marriage Tips? - 8 Pillars Of Everlasting Relationship

8 Pillars Of Everlasting Relationship

By: Fortune Ezeoha

Putting the knowledge of 8 Pillars of everlasting relationship to work will without fail benefit you and your partner for an everlasting enjoyable relationship.

(1). Communication

Communication is the back bone of any relationship. Virtually every aspect of a relationship is touched by communication. It is of great importance to know how to communicate well and effectively. Every expression makes and impression. Positive comments help to keep relationship alive while negative comments drags relationship to the ground.

(2). Respect

This means accepting and loving your partner for the wonderful, unique human being they are. Respect who they are and don’t try to make them be like you, understand that the ways that they differ from you don’t need to be fixed. Your partner isn't your private property, it isn't conducive to a happy relationship to restrict their freedoms by treating them this way. Instead it is far better to encourage your partner to grow and become the person they want to be.

(3). Honesty

In a relationship, complete honesty is always needed. The principle behind it is that no one likes being lied to, and if a relationship is to flourish, it should be built on the foundation of honesty and integrity. This includes honesty to oneself, if you are not honest to yourself how can you possibly be honest to your partner. Make your word your sword, let your yes be yes and your no be no.

(4). Trust

Trust is creating a safe emotional space for your partner. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured, one should continuously and actively work on building a safe emotional space. Your partner should be able to trust you completely with everything from the smallest detail up to and including trusting you with their life.

(5). Commitment

Commitment means being prepared to accept disappointments that can occur in a relationship, and finding an honest way to work it out. Those who become serious in a relationship without preparing for any problems, disappointments, or adjustments can experience increased insecurities or resentments that can affect the overall health of their relationship.

(6). Compromise

The single worst way to spoil your relationship is to be argumentative because you want to be right. This is DEADLY. Argumentative people will argue until they win. They will not listen and consider their partner's viewpoints and will rarely if ever compromise. Try not to get into silly, futile arguments and remember that winning arguments isn't the objective, but what is best for your relationship.

(7). Attention

Attention is placing importance to something or someone in your life. Keeping the spark alive in a relationship is something many couples fail to do. Contentment sets in, you start to take your partner for granted and gradually, the spark fades and dies. It's so easy to fall into the contentment trap and the result is you stop making an effort for your partner

(8). Intimacy

This doesn't only refer to sexual intimacy, but every thing intimate including letting down your security walls you have inside of you and letting your partner deeper than the surface level that you keep up to protect yourself from being hurt.



Author Resource:  The 8 Pillars of everlasting relationship has proved to be a great success in helping couples achieve a long lasting relationship while reaping the benefits of enjoyable life style. Read more related articles at http://www.paystolivewell.com/Articles.html

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Gender Roles

The idea of traditional gender roles has become anathema in modern American society. To even discuss the idea of different roles for men and women these days is to invite the wrath of the politically correct crowd.

But are men and women exactly the same?

Do husbands and wives have different roles to play in the context of the family?

Those are important questions.

Most Americans today would reject the idea of specific gender roles.

But the Bible embraces them.

In Ephesians 5:22-25 the Scriptures say this.....

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

When you read through what the Bible has to say about gender roles, one of the things that jumps out is the huge responsibility put on men. Husbands are expected to do whatever they have to do to protect their families. That includes having to die for them if necessary, just as Christ died for the Church.

But are men brought up to be this type of extraordinary "servant-leader" in the United States today?

No.

If you turn on the television today, you won't have to wait long to see how men are expected to behave in modern America - sex crazed, beer swilling, irresponsible idiot slackers who cower before their more mature, more responsible and more dominant female partners.

The truth is that the "strong male" has become an endangered species in the United States. It has been widely reported that testosterone levels in men are dropping about 1.2% per year, and 59% of all college students are now female. In fact, it has been reported that women in their 20s in the 10 largest cities in the United States now earn more money than men of the same age. Those women who are still looking for a traditional "man" complain that all they find are overgrown boys who have given up, tuned out, are slaves to their addictions and who won't take responsibility for anything.

Not that men are bad - most of them feel completely lost and confused - as if they have lost something that they didn't even know they were missing. All of their lives American men have been taught that they are NOT the leaders of the home, and that it should be expected that women will yell at them and tell them what to do. Movies and television reinforce this programming every single day by bombarding men and boys with the message that they are irresponsible subservient slackers who need to be corrected by the more responsible females.

Just think about all the times you have watched a scene where a female character yells at a male character and chews him out.

And what do we do?

We laugh and snicker.

But now take that same scene and flip the characters.

We would be horrified, wouldn't we?

And rightfully so.

So why do we think it is cute when the female verbally abuses the male?

The truth is that we have taught a generation of women that they should lead and dominate men. Instead of teaching them the Biblical principle that women should respect their husbands and let them lead, we have instructed our young women to rebel against any semblance of male leadership.

A shocking study done by the respected Pew Research Center confirms that in the United States it is women who predominantly rule the home.

The study surveyed 1,260 individuals who were either married or living together. What the study found was that in 43% of all couples, women make more decisions in the four areas Pew surveyed: planning weekend activities, household finances, major home purchases and television watching.

26% of the time men make more of the decisions, the survey revealed, and 31% of the time the decisions are made "equally".

So should we be surprised?

Is it not obvious that the women wear the pants in most American families now?

For example, one respondent to the USAToday article about this survey wrote this:

"I am a manager at work, and wouldn't have it any other way. But when I get home, I'd much rather chill out and let the wife make the calls."

The truth is that we have trained a generation of American men to be immature, subservient, submissive wimps who are very hesitant to take responsibility or leadership.

Watch just about any sitcom or any television commercial or any movie with these issues in mind. Watch who the dominant partner in any couple is. Once you know to look for it you will see it everywhere.

This is not how a society should work.

The Bible teaches that men should be strong, powerful, sacrificial servant-leaders as we see in Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

The truth is that men need to be so strong for their wives and children that they need to be ready to die for their families if it comes down to that.

How far we are from that ideal today.

Instead of creating a society full of strong men who would be willing to die for their families if need be, we have created a society full of weak, irresponsible, passive men who won't stand up for anyone or anything.

Is that something to be proud of?

Should we boast that we have nearly eradicated traditional gender roles from modern American society?

Not at all.

The rejection of traditional gender roles has made America much weaker, and it is future generations who will continue to pay the price for our foolishness.

Trusting In God For Our Marriage

Trusting in God For Our Marriage
By Angie Lewis

Who are you trusting in when things go wrong in your marriage? Are you trusting in self, or perhaps you go running to family and friends, explaining your side of the story? Some of us go running to therapists, counselors, divorce lawyers, and strangers on the street. But we seldom run to God.

Many of the people we go running to in times of marital troubles aren't equipped in giving us proper advice and guidance. Most of them have had divorces themselves! How can someone fix our marital wounds when they can't fix their own?

Most people mean well when they offer advice but is that advice really what your marriage needs? Family and friends are always bias toward your side of things. Anything you have to say about your spouse will be treated with such bias. Is that what you want, really?

Have you ever gone to the doctor with a certain ailment and the doctor sends you home with medicine to cover up the symptoms with? That's what its like when we go running to family, friends, and counselors with our marriage problems. I'm not saying we shouldn't go to counselors, but what I am saying is, have you tried going to the Architect of marriage? Perhaps He can shed some light on your problems - do you think?

Why do people get sick with disease and illness? It is because they are putting something in the body, on a daily basis that it doesn't like. The body is rejecting what it's being given every day. For a healthy body we need to feed it nutritious building foods and then it will begin to heal itself. Whole foods in their pure form are what the body REALLY needs.

It is the same with marriage. Marriages fail because couples in marriage are getting fed lies and deceit from the world, and they believe it! The institution of marriage is rejecting what it is being given on a daily basis. For a healthy marriage we need to make the Designer of marriage a priority in our lives and let Him feed us with His truths. Christ-like principles are what marriage REALLY needs.

Don't treat your marriage like everyone else does. Go to the Inventor of marriage. If you want a chocolate bar, you wouldn't go to the hardware store to get it, would you? Where would you get your chocolate bar? The corner mini mart or the grocery store, right? But you still have to ask this question, where did that chocolate bar come from, originally? It came from the factory, but where did the factory get it? From the cocoa bean!

If it doesn't come from the cocoa bean then its not real chocolate - it's a fake. Look for the fruit, or in this case look for the cocoa.

It's impossible to manufacture a REAL chocolate bar without first starting from the cocoa bean. ALL chocolate comes from the cocoa bean - it is its source. ALL people come from God - He is our Source! Chocolate makes a candy bar, which comes from the cocoa bean. Couples in marriage - a man and a woman, make a marriage, which come from the Creator!

My point? God created and designed marriage. He is the Master Architect! So then why are we not trusting in God for our marriage? All the principles for a healthy, abundant and blessed filled marriage derive from the Source of marriage - God our Lord and Creator of the universe has already given us everything we need to be fulfilled in our marriage.

All you have to do is put those blessings into action, and you do that by trusting in God. Trusting in God takes more than "saying what we're going to do". We actually need to change our way of thinking and attitude and be the people that God created us to be FOR OUR MARRIAGE. It's a personal discovery, really. It's a renewal of heart and mind - a transformation.

Angie Lewis has written five books on how to have a happy marriage. In her books she offers marriage tips, tools, techniques, and wisdom filled answers for you to apply in your marriage. From issues such as adultery, addiction, pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and submission.

For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com/

To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Angie_Lewis
http://EzineArticles.com/?Trusting-in-God-For-Our-Marriage&id=1882099

DisRESPECTING Your Husband..... Do you do this?

The wise woman builds up her home but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands" Prov.14:1

*Both are spiritually equal, as far as receiving the blessings of forgiveness of sins and hope of eternal life, if they respond to Jesus by obedient faith. GEN 1:26

*Men and women are to submit themselves to each other in respect to God as Ephesians 5:21

Christians are not to aspire after dominance but usefulness. Self-denial rather than self-assertiveness is the badge of Christian discipleship.Submitting yourselves one to another means mutually serving one another, seeking each other’s well-being and advantage in all things.-pbministries

Being A Woman are you to have SUBMISSION to every man? No, you are to be submissive to your HUSBAND . This means that the husband is to be regarded as the head of the family; and he has responsibility to provide for, protect, and be the spiritual leader of the family. You are to have respect for men, being a Godly woman.

Do you know there is a difference between the roles of the Father and Jesus?..... So there is between men and women. These differences in roles involve submission of one to the other and a dividing of responsibilities among the two.

This does not mean for a man then to take his role as demeaning the other , overbearing and destructive in his words and actions to his wife? NO, rather, MEN are to love their wives like God loves the church.

When a wife corrects her husband in public is vocally disrespectful , she is slowly beating her husbands dignity out of him over time. It comes from pride and self glory that they need to dominate their husbands .

Have you watched a tv program or a movie as of late where the wife lifts up her husband instead of throwing insults at him?

In fact, you see the opposite. You see the woman dominance of the man, and you see network stations creating the image that men are stupid, and women are the painted picture of success.

In many instances the tv networks are pushing gay unions in movies, destroying how marriage should be set up.

Many people do not understand the beauty of (submission), such that, .... lifting up your husband so he can be the best he can be. In this way, wives, - we are encouraging our husbands to be successful and leaders in their communities, empowering them from home. FOR, if we destroy our husbands at home, we TOO, reap the outcome as well.

These Videos Below are NOT biblical, and (does contain some swear words) but follow the biblical Lines of male and female roles in the bible even though the speaker may not be Christian.

I think you may find he has some interesting points.

Causes of Divorce - The Top 10 Reasons People Divorce

The following video examines many of the common reasons that people get divorced.....

What IS The SECRET To Your Happy Marriage?

I found this thread on a forum, and thought it was appropriate for our blog..



RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by happycthulhu

Total honesty and commitment. 100% from each person. Understanding and willingness to compromise.
Going on 10 years strong.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by good36

We just celebrated 21 years in September. I think the key to a long marriage is compromise. Honesty is a must too. You are never going to see eye to eye on everything. I knew what I wanted in a man when I married him. He is a wonderful father, husband and provider. judy

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by meghane

Love, respect, common life plans, honesty, trust, fun times together.
Almost 14 years and loving every minute of it.


RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by mgmsrk

The only thing you need for a happy marriage is to marry the right person.


RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by meghane

I forgot to add a sense of humor!

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage

Posted by lynnzee

Married 35 years, there's not an easy answer as everyone is different. For us, sharing broad goals, thinking somewhat alike, understanding there will be differences, not wanting the other to be unhappy, compromise without loss of self, sharing fears as well as successes, mainly mutual respect. We enjoy our children and grandchildren. Lynn

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage

Posted by gina_w

17 years here. Marry a compatible person and don't sweat the small stuff. Compatible means you share common values, beliefs and goals, including money issues, religion, politics and having/raising children.
Keep growing - educate yourselves, read, have hobbies (individual and shared), meet new people and cultivate friends. Treat your relationship as an adventurous journey through life together.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by davissue_zone9

We've been married 31 years- have a hard time believing it's been so long! We married in our early twenties, and never a day goes by that I don't marvel at how lucky we are to have each other. We're each others first lover, so there's no past relationships to be a problem. We are very compatible in values, socio-economic background, religion and politics. We have no major problems- financial or otherwise. We trust each other completely, and make an effort not to do anything that we know hurts or bothers the other. We will compromise if a situation arises that we both feel strongly about. We respect each other, and we both think the other is smarter than we are. We admire each others strengths, and accept each others weaknesses.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by peachespoe

Married almost 7 years, but together for 12 and going strong.
I agree many of the above posts: Love, respect, common life plans/values, honesty, trust, fun times together, sense of humor, sharing responsibilities, willingness to discuss relationship issues when they come up, sharing fears as well as successes, treating each other as equals.
I have girlfriends who complain about their husbands and have made fun of me because my DH and I are "so nice to each other." Aren't we supposed to be nice to each other? I feel like I married my best friend...so of course I will treat him like my best friend.
We bicker when we are overly tired and occasionally have a heated fight (1 to 2 times a year at most?), although we don't yell. Key to fighting is to keep it on issue...don't bring in all sorts of other complaints and insults, just deal with the issue that made you/him mad.
Honestly, though, I think one of the reasons our relationship is so strong is because we share a great love of the outdoors. We go on long hikes, backpacking trips, and back country ski days together. These times are very powerful in keeping our bond strong. Just this weekend we had an amazing day of back country skiing together. We were both totally high off the experience and had shared it with each other. Days like that help renew our joy of being together...My point being that having some sort of hobby that you both enjoy doing together that gets you out of the daily grind can be wonderful bonding time. It doesn't necessarily have to be in the outdoors...it could be cooking together, dancing, going to see live music, gardening, playing cards...whatever.
I am also just lucky enough to have found such an amazing partner.
Peaches

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by popi

Good communication.
Sense of humour on both sides. Ability to laugh at yourself.
Similar standards of behaviour, similar family background.
Ability to forgive.
Ability to rise above the cycle of blame.
Knowing that you can speak your mind without fear.
Learning the right way to talk to each other when having an argument. Don't accuse, just make statements.
Everyone pulling their weight and working for the good of the family.
Realizing that your family is number one, always comes first.
Willingness to identify problems and adjust your behaviour, by seeking advice, or reading books.
Be supportive because that's what makes them happy.
Tinylady....perhaps you could start a new thread for your posting, you might find it easier to get some suggestions, that way. Take care.
Popi

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage

Posted by coolmama

My husband and I are BEST friends.We actually enjoy each others company. We have fun together.Whether it's playing video games together,or goofing off at the grocery store. We make every chore or task seem like it's something fun and do it together.
We have no secrets from each other. No matter how painful,we have always been honest.
We always set aside time to be alone.Whether it's a quick bath together or a night on the town.
We realize that life is a gift.That everyday spent together could be our last.Therefore,we don't take each other for granted.
We also give each other space when needed...But don't surround ourselves in "tempting situations" or around people who may be destructive to our relationship (ex girlfriends/boyfriends or overly flirtatious people)
Take care of each other when sick,even if that means running out at 3am to get medicine for the other.
It's the other little things that count.He brings home take out cuz he knows I'm tired. I make his lunch because he doesn't have money for lunch one day.
We have always comforted each other too.I cry after getting a bad haircut,and he holds me and tells me he'd love me if I was bald. He says he is getting fat,I tell him it is just more for me to love.
We take care in our child,our plants,our animals....we nurture them,and each other.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by sweeby

12 wonderful years so far...
- Total trust and honesty, plus forgiveness for our imperfections. It's a lot easier to be honest when you know the other person will love you no matter what.
- Common values. Our backgrounds are very different, but our core values are identical.
- Putting 'Us' first, then 'You', then 'Me'. Bearing in mind always that what's best for 'Us' IS almost always what's best for me.
- Making time for each other, which sometimes means the kids get a can of something for dinner so Hubby and I can have a special meal alone together.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage

Posted by popi

Thought of another one...
Being supportive of each other, when dealing with the children, or child...and if one does not agree with how the other one is handling the situation...then talk about it later, not in front of the child.
Being financially secure, sure helps in the stability of the relationship !
Keep in mind the "big picture", your core values, and what you are doing "it" all for...to have a happy life, only get one chance of that. Making sure each day counts, and like Coolmama says, making your times together happy and meaningful, no matter what the activity is.
I am enjoying reading every one's comments, perhaps we should publish a book from all this !
Popi

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by mandy_g

Here are our "7 Rules to a Happy Marriage":
1. Fall in love and marry your best friend.
2. Be NICE to each other. "Please" and "Thank You" are not cuss words.
3. Have similar tastes on the big stuff - ie. money, politics, child-rearing, religion, etc.
4. Have different tastes on the small stuff (keeps it interesting) - ie. food, decorating, football teams, etc.
5. Talking through a problem instead of yelling (see #2).
6. No argument is allowed to start with "You are...". All arguments/discussions must being with "I feel..." or "I think...".
7. Only 1 person is allowed to be crazy at a time.
8. Never let a day go by without telling the other one that you love them. Even if you are mad.
9. Always pick up your own mess.
10. Never forget - it's us against the world. Everyone else is secondary. Our marriage and our spouse's wishes come before anything else. Even MIL's...

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by asolo

"7. Only 1 person is allowed to be crazy at a time."
Mandy g, you are full of wisdom!!!

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by bnicebkind

1. Be someone trustworthy. In ALL areas. In love, in finances, etc.
2. Cover each others back. In other words, that you both know without a shadow of a doubt, that your spouse believes in you and will stand up for you.
3. Do the small things for each other that tell each other they matter. Greet them with a big smile when they come home. Sew on a button. Bother to make dinner special. Tell each other how much you appreciate them, and that you value them (tell them what it is you value about them)! Let them know that you also appreciate what they do for the family.
4. Be willing to bite your tongue and let things slide......................................once in awhile. Extend grace where you can.
5. Be able to forgive and move on.
6. Try your best not to badmouth each others family. It only makes everyone defensive. We all have flaws.
7. Do not join into "husband bashing" with your friends or family...I see women do this all the time. It is extremely disloyal (would you like your DH sitting around with all the men you know telling them awful things about you? Then don't do it to to him!!! Besides, for those of you who indulge in this past time, keep in mind that it tells other women that things aren't so perfect between you two, and lets another woman know she may be able to squeeze in. Because she won't believe all the bad things you tell her, regardless of what she says. Why, because women think that "she can change him".
8.Be each others biggest fan. Encourage one another. Ask about each others day, and actually listen and care.
9. Do not flirt, or hang around flirts.
10. When one is exhausted, the other rallies. When one is discouraged, the other can encourage.
11. Smile... and be the kind of person that "you" would like to come home to.
12. Simply...love each other. It softens the hard edges in life.
13. LEARN TO PERSEVERE...like an athlete!!!! There will be times in marriage where you feel like running. When you wonder what in the world you were thinking when you chose this person. When you look at them some days, and are not even sure you like the person...let alone love them. Hang in there. Just hang in there, and remember that another day will come when you will feel like the luckiest person in the world to have this same person. Life can be funny that way.
14. Everyone pitch in and keep the house decent. No one wants to come home to a pigsty, and no one feels happy, let alone romantic in one. It weighs heavy on everyone in the house.
15. Believe in something bigger than you both.
There are probably more but it is late, so I will call it a day. By the way, they are not necessarily in the order of importance. Just what popped into my thoughts as I was typing.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by micke

My husband is my best friend, has been from day one (sorry mom) we have been married 13 years, we are coming up on our 16th anniversary of actually being together (Feb. 14) most people around me are amazed by how long we have been together and by how happy we are. Don't know if there is a secret to it, we don't go out a whole lot, most of the time we are happiest together at home with our two kids. We both have totally different interests and it still works, if he is fishing at my mom's lake I am horseback riding around the lake hollering at him every chance I get asking him how the fishing is going *snicker* yes he thinks I am a smart butt, but he is too, if I am out in the garden working he will try every chance he gets to soak me with the hose "accidentally" and he loves to stand over my shoulder and tell me how he would do it if he was the one cooking (he just wants me to walk off so he can get a finger full of cookie dough:) lots of laughs and lots of fun, wouldn't trade a minute of it:)

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by marriagebygrace

Hello, My wife and I have been married 21 years. We had a rocky period but we allowed God to take control and I must say that "God is great - all the time, all the time - God is great".
Galatians 5:22-23 (22)But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, (23)gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
God Bless!
http://www.marriagebygrace.com/ MarriageByGrace
Here is a link that might be useful: MarriageByGrace

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by aldra

Bursting into a smile every time he walks into the room. After eight years it's still like the day we met.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage
Posted by blueeyedgirl

When I first got married I got the best piece of advice I've ever received as far as relationships go. It was very simple:
If he wants to do something and you really have no other reason to say 'no' other than the fact you don't want him to... say yes. Let him have his own time. He'll love you all the more for it. I try to remember this evertime my DH asks if I mind if he goes golfing with his buddies. Sure I'd rather he stayed home and hung out with me and the kids... but he's so much happier and WANTS to thank me by helping out more or doing something sweet for me when he comes home.

RE: What is your secret to your happy marriage

Posted by alphacat

We'll be married for 8 years this summer, and were together for nearly 20 years before that. We've had our rough patches, but I don't think our relationship has ever been seriously in doubt.
I think that the secret, if there is one, is that we each think we're the lucky one, and we try to keep it that way.